Secrecy, Silence and Judgment

Each of us wake up every day with beliefs about ourselves that we hope no one else finds out about. We tend to try and hide these things away and pray that no one sees the "real us." Shame has a way of making us feel like that. While guilt means I've done something wrong and regrettable, shame says there is something wrong with me. Shame whispers in your ear "don't let people see you because this part of you is unlovable." I think that is part of why talking to people about deep issues I'm struggling with is so hard. It feels so similar to being caught. The emotion of being caught washes over you like a wave. All the shame, all the guilt, all the excuses, it all come crashing down with that deep sinking feeling in your gut. I've had those moments and I hate them. Sharing honestly and vulnerably means I'm willingly giving this person information that I've worked really hard to hide and forget about.

I recently had one of these instances come up when struggling with some self-esteem issues. As I began sharing with my wife about all the emotional weight I was carrying, she began to cry and look at me more and more deeply. I could see the care and love written all over her face.

The more we sat and talked, the more I felt seen and the feeling of being caught began to wash away. Being caught feels like a spot light being shone on you as you try and sneak through the dark. What my wife had kindly offered me was more like the soft light from a candle sitting in the room with me as I rummaged through my box of deeply held secrets. The soft light barely reached the far corners of the room as I slowly brought one item into the light. It was a powerful moment as we sat next to one another and viewed this thing I had held onto for so long. She held my hand and my shame firmly and lovingly. She cried on my behalf and she shared how my long held shame and secret had impacted her.

At some point she did something else that caught me slightly off guard. She invited me to wonder what it would be like to share with two of my closest friends. As the words left her lips I could feel myself grasping on to what I had just shared with her. My immediate reaction was to take this piece of myself that we had just discussed and hide it again. Why in the world would I ever show this stuff to someone else? I mean my wife is one thing but to trust these two men in the same way seemed terrifying. But it was my wife's gentle reminder that these two men had shared so many shameful and vulnerable things with me that made it feel conceivable at most.

Over the next few days I processed more on my own and eventually set up phone calls with each friend. I'm thankful to say they both held my shame and struggles with love and care. Both men offered me a similar feeling to the soft light illuminating my deepest held secrets. They asked questions and helped me understand what I had been hiding and why I felt like it needed to be hidden. They made me feel known and loved without the pain of being judged or missed.

It was after these three talks that I came across this quote from Brene Brown that says, "If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment." This quote was somewhat crushing. I think the last few days I've really realized how deep I bury some of this stuff. So deep I don't have to deal with it, but also deep enough other people dont know about it either. And all my shame grows in the secrecy, silence, and self-judgement.

I've decided to do my best to brings things out into the light. I don't want to carry the weight of all these secrets. I don't want to feel the corrosive impact of shame. I also know that these things can't be fixed in solitude. If it was just up to me, these things would follow me to the grave but as they were held inside of me, they would grow. I'm thankful to have people in my life who can show so much courage in the ways that they share their secrets. They also share their strength in how well they hold my shame and secrets. Sharing with these people never feels exposing, they don't use spotlights that make me feel caught. They all bring their soft lights and invite me to bring things out of the shadows. They sit with their arm around me and are curious about the things I've been holding on to. And they offer love and kindness throughout the process.