Embodied Living

I've been challenged recently to be more mindful about when I'm checking or using my phone. This is a conversation that comes up occasionally with my wife. There was a moment while I was walking with our son back from the bathroom at a soccer game that I was checking my phone for almost the whole walk. It may seem like a minor thing, but I think it points to a much larger issue.

I think I've spent a large majority of my life living disconnected and disembodied. This means that I'm not always present and aware of my body and the things I'm feeling or needing. I miss cues for hunger or sleep, or I'm focusing most of my attention away from my physical self. On one hand, I know this style of living is self-protective. There have been moments of my life when I couldn't handle my current situation, and my brain and body allowed me to live outside of myself. This experience could be defined as dissociation.

Even a few months ago, our older kids both wrecked badly on their bikes moments a part from each other. In that moment,I was scared and filled with emotion, but as I moved toward them to check on them, I needed to move away from my own emotion and focus on their needs. This was the best way for me to care for them. And I didn't even think about it and decide.  They crashed, I ran to them, I felt overwhelmed and then I numbed all the emotion. I became cold and disconnected but I was decisive. That's what I needed in the moment.

The issue here, according to author Aundi Kolber, is I take a situational strength and I live my life out of that. I have chosen to live more shut down and disconnected. It serves me in some specific ways. It can keep me safe, it can help me survive, but it also has a ton of negative baggage, and I feel that weight.

And in my moments of being disembodied, I've had help. Cell phones, social media, work, and my to-do list all call my attention away from my internal life. These things serve as distraction or outright agents of numbness. These things aren't inherently bad things, but these tools teamed up with my desire to avoid my feelings are a powerful combination.

When I allow myself to be in my body, I drive my kids like a race car in the cart at publix. When I'm in my body, I feel my muscles get stronger while I do exercises from physical therapy. I feel joy while I dance and sing with my kids in the kitchen while I cook dinner. I also feel the powerlessness when I can't help my baby stop crying. I feel grief, anger, sadness, and disappointment more fully. Eventually, I even feel all the emotions I put on hold when my kids crashed on their bikes.

If I allow myself to be more present and living within myself, everything changes. I can be impacted and moved. I can be more expressive. I can laugh more, cry more, and feel all things more. I get to experience it all, and life will be more full because of it. Embodied living means I'm vulnerable to all that life brings my way. The positive and the negative. The light and the dark. But it also means I'm more alive.